Trust

We all struggle with it, we all suffer from a lack of it, and we all pray for more of it.

Trust.

It's so much more than security, confidence, the future, or even money. It's faith.

It really bothers me how much I struggle with it. Sometimes I have to sit and wonder, "If only I had more trust..." how much easier would life be. It seems so simple, and I really believe it could be the solution to everything. God's given and done more than enough to establish a foundation for this trust, so where's my end of the bargain.

Some days it's there, visible, and prominent. A trust that God's going to put the right people in my path. A trust that God's going to give me the strength to overcome the smallest and the biggest of obstacles. A trust that His plan and methods are so much bigger than mine.

More often than not, though, it's not there, and look what the result is. The result is discouragement, anxiety, stress, and pessimism. This lack of faith brings down a good day, takes away from friendships, and my feeling of intimacy with God.

I hate it.

God,
You've got big plans, leading to great stories, and help me trust that You'll lead me in my small role in that. Help me have faith, and TRUST that You never give me more than I can handle, let alone give me less than I need. I want to love You, trust You, and follow You. Provide for me in every way, as You always do, and help me see You. Give me strength, for faith.

Peace in the storm...

6 weeks or so, on paper, seems like a long time. Spending every day with kids, churches, and soccer seems like a lifetime ago!

Wow, when I sit back and think about what has all occured since school started, it's kind of intimidating. I've begun and finished a varsity soccer season, gone through a season of midterms, and been hit like a brick wall with the reality of overloading in the senior year. It's been a journey. And I haven't even scratched the surface of the busy-ness of people!

It's been a good lesson on prioritizing, a good lesson on social skills, and a good lesson on self discipline. The biggest struggle has been personal time. Not just quiet, nap time, but personal, quality time in the Word, in prayer, and meditation. If someone knows the trick, let me know, because it's very convicting.

It sucks.

I realize how much easier it is to feel close with God during weeks of camp and ministry. It's easy to see God in the smiles of kids, the excitement of youth, the joy of parents. It's easy to recognize the need to 'journey in'. Why it is so difficult in this environment, I don't get it.

Just a short while ago, I made the final decision, and can start looking forward to going out west next summer/fall. It was a decision weighing on my heart for a few months, and a few people around me were aware of it all, but I mostly kept it to myself. I told myself I needed to get through the adjustment into school before I made a decision. Maybe that was a semi-conscious excuse to put it off, but the last few weeks were getting tough, and I think the burden of NOT making that commitment was wearing me down. It's funny how draining it can be to not give everything up to God!

McManus says it simply...'sometimes the most spiritual thing we can do, is to just do something.'

We get caught in this limbo here at university, knowing the future is coming, but using our current situation as an excuse to avoid a decision or leap of faith. It's draining, and the limits we put on God's faithfulness are some of the biggest chains in our own, daily lives.

So, I'm going... in His strength. It's a big process, one that requires much prayer and trust. I hope to come on board with AIA and take on a role in putting these church camps together. Why wouldn't I be excited to push this vision, equipping church's with, in my mind, one of the most effective children's ministries out there??

When?
I don't know...

Who?
I don't know...

How long?
I don't know...

Why?
Why the heck not....haha

God give me strength and perseverance, to both prepare for this journey, but also focus on what's at hand. Help me pour everything out today, tonight, tomorrow, and the next day. Help me trust. Give me peace in this storm of busy-ness.

Thank you Jesus, for leading me to this point, and I know it's only the beginning!

It's over...

Well...

The end of an adventure. 4 months of traveling, working, and experiencing God. It's overwhelming right now, to be honest, as I sit in bed, thinking about it all. I really feel like I need some serious down-time to actually digest everything that's happened. A big part of me says it's gonna take a while, and I need to relax and grasp it all. A smaller part of me says bring on the next step.

It seems like forever ago that I jumped on that plane out to BC, and spent a couple months there. It still feels like forever ago that our team met in Brantford, assembled ourselves, and embarked on a roller coaster ride of a ministry. After 8 weeks of never being in the same city for more than 5 days, moving into the homes of complete strangers on a Sunday night, and leaving what quickly became family every Friday night, it's awkward to think I'm going to be 'settling' down.

I wouldn't do justice to this adventure by trying to sum everything up in a simple blog, and even the things I have tried to write down and share are just the start. But here are just a few of the things I've learned:

- Humility is the mark of effective leadership. Wherever we went this summer, we were automatically put on some sort of pedestal, because of expectations from our position. It was tough, for sure, but the more we were given opportunity to lead, the more doors God opened for us as a team to reach people, the more I felt unworthy. Why would God put me, a young, proud, confused guy in a position to impact almost 500 kids, dozens of youth, and 8 different Christian communities? I think God knew that a simple, small task would lead me to think I could be in control and would be able to do it on my own power. So, He put this huge ministry in our laps, and forced us to give it up to Him, and man, did He ever answer prayer!

- It's gotta be Darren & God before Darren & anything/anyone else. I've always known that God is #1, but how often have I actually lived it out. This is a struggle for so many people, I know, and I'm just starting to realize that He has to be the only One in front of me, no one else can stand in that way, or I'm going to lose sight of Him. Sharing my testimony every week was a powerful reminder of what happens when we get distracted and try to take on the world on our own.

- There's a community of believers that is ALIVE. This vitality comes from the Holy Spirit, and it is contagious! How else could dozens of kids come to know Christ like they did this summer? How else could the four of us feel so encouraged, blessed, and in awe of how God uses His people to help each other and lift each other up??

Ok, so that's three major areas....there's probably a dozen more, but those three come to mind now.

Praise God for who He is, His awesome character, His intimacy with each and every one of HIS children, and how much bigger He is than the limits we like to put on what He can do!

I mentioned the whole 'settling down' thing. I guess I mean being able to unpack my clothes form my duffel bag and sleep in the same bed for more than a couple weeks. Yeah, it's been a long time. Other than that though, settling down will also include a varsity soccer season, 6 courses, and helping Eric with a dorm of 6 first years, all the while keeping contact with people from this summer and out west. Ummmmm....

I'm not sure if or how often I'll be keeping this blog up. It might turn into a regular outlet for me, or a not so regular thing, we'll see....

But, I need to say this...

Thank you, Jesus, for -

- ABK
- Bolton Alliance Church
- Erin Village Alliance Church
- Owen Sound Alliance Church
- Cedar Creek Community Church
- Faith Evangelical Missionary Church
- TIllsonburg Alliance Church
- and all the phenomenal youth, pastors, billets, parents, and friends there.....you know who you are....
- the kids...PRAISE GOD for those kids

"Till I See You..."

Ever since my last week in BC and my internship with AIA, there's a song that's stuck with me. It's stuck with me for a number of reasons, as I plan for the future, as I work in these camps, and continue to sit back and learn and watch how God works. For the first month or so since I came home, I listened to this song every night, on repeat, as I fell asleep. Lately it's been a toss up between this song and another Hillsong United song, but I still listen to it frequently. I thought I'd share it and some of my thoughts that result from it...

"TIll I See You" - Hillsong

"The greatest love that anyone could ever know
It overcame the cross and grave to find my soul.
And till I see You face to face,
And grace amazing takes me home,
I'll trust in You..."

I've learned and am learning how little effect or impact I have on what Christ did for me. He offers a love that is so much bigger, stronger, and encompassing than any other love I can have. Whether that love comes from myself, or my family, or friends, I can't trust in it like I can trust in His love.

"...and, Lord, I am willing to see Your kingdom come,
And in my heart I pray to You that Your will be done.
And till I see You face to face,
And grace amazing takes me home,
I'll trust in You..."

I need to live in an anticipation of "Your will be done, in heaven and on earth". God, use me for Your will. I want to see Your kingdom established here on earth. In kids, in youth, in parents, in churches, everywhere.

"...I will live to love You,
I will live to bring you praise,
I will live a child in awe of You..."

God, wherever You lead me, I want to live a life that worships you. I've seen and written about kids, this summer, that have come to know You in a powerful, loving way, and be in simple awe. I want that awe, every morning and evening, as You continue to show yourself here.

"You are the voice that called the universe to be,
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me.
And till I see You face to face,
And grace amazing takes me home,
I'll trust in You..."

I give it up to You, God, as You are the Creator that didn't just complete a project and let it go. Today, still, You speak to me, in my heart. Open my ears to those 'whispers', and I trust in You.

" 'Cause You alone, are God of all,
You, alone, are worthy Lord,
And with all I am,
My soul will bless Your name."

This song has hit me in more than a few ways, and even after listening to it alot, (itunes tells me 82 times since June 28) it still brings me to tears some nights. It's a combination of that child in awe as I work this summer at these camps, and God continues to open our eyes to how great, loving, and intimate He is. It's a combination of humility, as I realize and try to have peace in the fact that it's not at all because of anything I can do, and surrender to His control. He has a huge plan for the dozens of kids that have come to know Him and committed their lives to Him this summer. He has a huge plan for the youth that have been stretched and encouraged in their own young ministry. He has a huge plan for each church as they continue to reach into their community, establish relationships, and bring His good news to them.

Thank you, Jesus.

...

This is the third night in a row now that I'm in bed, sitting with my laptop, starting to write something down here on the blog. I try to write about the things going on this summer, first when I was out west, and now as camps push on. It's turned into a simple recording of God showing Himself to me and the people I'm on this journey with.

I'm not sure why it's been hard to sit down and journal, or write this blog, but I do know one thing...

I'm tired...

To be honest, I get frustrated with myself, being tired. Sure, the novelty of the routine/schedule of day after day of camp is wearing off. The beauty of these camps, though, is that even our eighth week, next week, will be with brand new people, brand new kids, and a whole new ministry approach.

The problem is that I'm tired in more ways than just physical. I'm emotionally and spiritually tired. But that's where the frustration comes in.

Why am I frustrated/tired, when all around me there are kids being loved, some in ways they have never been loved before?

Why am I frustrated/tired, when I am surrounded by a family of believers that treat me like a son and brother?

Why am I frustrated/tired, when today at lunch, Brandon, 13, has tears in his eyes as two of us talk to him about how much God loves him, and how he just wants to know what its like to be loved by Jesus?

Why am I frustrated/tired when I know and see God working SO intimately with these camps? At our first camp here in Erin, God held the rain off until 3:01, one minute after camp was over. Yesterday, He held it off until 2:50. Okay, so we had ten minutes of rain...I'll take it. He's got a sense of humour, and I love it.

Why am I frustrated when I have a family at home that loves me unconditionally, and I know I always have a place to go and even escape to if necessary?

I'm learning, baby step by baby step, that we are in a war. Ephesians 6 reminds us that the battles we fight are NOT against flesh and blood, but against the powers of darkness. I used to read that passage and nod in agreement, but that was the extent of my appreciation towards the concept. This summer, though, more than ever, I'm seeing and experiencing this battle in ways that are tiring. I know I just need a good night's sleep, but lie in bed, with prayers, concerns, and stresses running thru my head. I wake up some mornings, feeling down and out.

Last Wednesday, I woke up feeling weak and vulnerable, more than I have in a long time. I just had this sense that day would be a tough day. Sure enough, Renee blows her knee, and we have two kids swearing, fighting, and acting almost possessed for half an hour at camp, in front of a half dozen parents who were watching and the entire group of campers. I know it's strong language to use, but it's true.

Satan is real. He fights hard. He attacks our minds, our patience, our humility, our energy, our love...our ministry.

But God is good, God is bigger, God doesn't need to fight hard, He's already won!!

Pray for me, as I sometimes am overwhelmed with everything going through my head...camps, our team, school, soccer, AIA, church, friends, family...

Pray for our team as we push through the last week and a half. Pray that we can hold each other up and push thru all the crap Satan throws at us, and that we can not only reach these kids, but grow in confidence and humility and love towards our Almighty Father.

Thank you, Jesus, for already winning this war.

"Faith Like a Child..."

"Let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, and anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." - Mark 10:13-15

We got a taste of what it's like to receive the kingdom of God like a little child this past week. We helped at Cedar Creek Community Church, in Cambridge, leading their soccer week of camp. A team of 4 champion youth leaders, as well as 8 fantastic other youth, were in the fifth week of their day camps, working with alot of the same kids each week.

This week we had 41 kids, alot of them from unchurched homes, and it was this church's last chance to reach out and show God's love. God blessed the love and passion of this church, and already on Tuesday, small miracles were happening before our eyes. Usually, during the hour long lunch, the kids run around in an organized, chaotic manner, enjoying the lack of schedule. After team time and small group time, they throw down their lunch in three minutes and run around for the last 57 or so.

It was different this week, though, as a few kids started asking for Bibles to read, because they wanted to learn more about what we were sharing with them. They wanted to learn more about Jesus.

So, we gave out 15-18 Bibles between Tuesday and Wednesday, and encouraged them to take them home and read for themselves. However, that wasn't good enough for them. They wanted to start immediately, so they went to a room, sat in a small circle, and began reading. It didn't take long before they started asking questions, showing each other what they were reading, and gaining this sense of excitement that was contagious.

Here are some of the questions and comments that came up in their conversations. None of them were prompted or prodded, these were genuine thoughts and exclamations of how awesome God is:

- "It says here that Jesus is the Messiah. What's a 'Messy-ah'?"

- After reading Matthew 1 - "What's with all the fathers of the fathers business?? I don't get it!"

- "So you're telling me that if Adam and Eve didn't eat the fruit from the tree, we'd all be sitting here naked, and be fine with it??? YUCK!"

- "What is my purpose in life? Why am I on this earth?"

- Here's a conversation Renee overheard between three kids:
"How did Jesus get His name?"
"Oh, I read that in my Bible last night....I'll tell you..."
"I have that right here, let me read it for you!"

- "Now who's the guy that wrote about where Jesus was born?"

- "WHOA"

- "So if I had to go to a birthday party, and I had to give them a gift, is it ok if I just give them a Bible?"

- One kid goes around the circle, counting the each of the people there. Then he says, "There's 13 people here, that means Jesus is here, because I read that if there's two or more people here, He is there too."

- "Can I have another Bible, in case I forget one at my dad's house, then I can still have one at my mother's house?"

- When lunch was over, a coach asked them if they wanted to go out on the slip and slide that was set up. They replied, "No, I think I'd rather just sit in the shade and read my Bible."

It was so humbling this week, to see how amazed these kids were, and how easily they found answers to their own questions. It's funny, because today we are so quick to open the Bible and hope for a verse that jumps out and just speaks to us. Then, we get frustrated when the verse we open to does not directly give us a clear answer to our questions. Sometimes, we get into this mindset that the Bible is an umbrella-type of guide, in the sense that we can't expect to just open our Bible and the answer will jump out at us.

God answered prayer this week, and led the kids who were opening the Bible, for the first time, to the stories and lessons that Jesus taught. Through those words, these kids were just in awe. All the leaders did is stand back and watch, a classic and emphatic demonstration of God moving, in His power, so much further and beyond what we could do.

I think we all learned something this week. We learned and witnessed how interested, excited, and encouraged we should be, wherever we are in the Bible. We learned how alive the Word of God really is. We learned how we've over-complicated the Bible, and gotten away from the awesome, unique, simple love of Christ.

This song came to mind more than once this week, by Jars of Clay, called "Faith Like a Child"

Dear God, surround me as I speak,
the bridges that I walk across are weak
Frustrations fill the void that I can't solely bear.

Dear God, don't let me fall apart
you've held me close to you
I have turned away and searched
for answers I can't understand.

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them falling to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe with Faith Like a Child

Sometimes, when I feel miles away
and my eyes can't see your face
I wonder if I've grown to lose the
recklessness I walked in light of you

They say that I can move the mountains
And send them crashing to the sea
They say that I can walk on water
If I would follow and believe
with Faith Like a Child

They say that love can heal the broken
They say that hope can make you see
They say that faith can find a Savior
If you would follow and believe
With Faith Like a Child

We just have to open our eyes...

It's an intriguing mindset I'm in right now...

Sometimes I'm pretty overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed from the busyness of camps, working with our team with anywhere from 35 to 67 kids. Kids that have an endless amount of energy, that need to be led by coaches that at least can pretend to have the same endless recources of energy, and are just looking to be loved. Kids that look up to us with so much respect, without knowing anything more than the simple fact that I'm the guy with the whistle who plays soccer.

Sometimes I'm relaxed, spending a few quiet hours in a billet's home, either napping, talking, or swapping life stories. I'm humbled by the genuine interest and love these people continue to have. They don't settle for providing a bed and many fantastic meals. Being able to return to so many of the great billets from last year has been an amazing opportunity to be in the middle of such a loving community.

Sometimes I'm anxious. A good kind of anxious. I'm anxious to see the next day, and witness from the sidelines as God shows Himself. Whether it's as an answer to prayer for a change in some kid's heart, or in energy for our team, He is so faithful and provides all we need. Sometimes He shows up in the coolest ways, like holding off the rain until 3:01pm, exactly one minute after we pray to end the day and thank Him for keeping the rain away so we could stay outside and finish the day.

Sometimes I'm lonely. Lonely in my spiritual journey, feeling pretty disconnected from everyone around me. But then, I'm comforted, because I know I'm loved for who I am, and the relationship I can have with Christ is personal, unique, and specific.

More than sometimes, I'm exhausted. It's a ride, every day, of leading, yelling, singing, running, praying, sharing, and encouraging. Just this past weekend I slept for 12 hours straight, and could have done it again the next night, just to recharge for the next week.

Praise God! Praise Him for the range of emotions He enables us to experience and go through. How boring would life be if every day was the exact same routine, with nothing new to challenge us, nothing new to demonstrate just how big God is, and nothing new to drive us toward Him, not only to make us recognize our dependence on Him, but to simply get on our knees and worship.

It's only when I take time to sit down, journal, pray, and reflect do I realize how big, how loving, how all-encompassing He really is. I think we all take it for granted, and are so quick to go through the motions and write off the emotions we feel and 'coincidences' we witness.

I think the only way God is anonymous is if we choose to be ignorant and oblivious to how intimate He is in our lives. In reality, He isn't anonymous, we just make Him anonymous in our daily perception of what goes on.

I'm embarrassed and humbled, but He is so faithful...

Camps has been a great opportunity to see God work, and I could sit down and tell stories for days of who and how He has worked through these church camps. I only hope and pray that we all carry this mindset of open minds and open hearts every day, forever....

Thank you, Jesus, for being so real...

"Alone, But Not Lonely"

A good friend of mine and I had an encouraging conversation yesterday, and that phrase came up....alone, but not lonely. We're on an exciting journey this summer, but there's more than a few times when I feel alone. Alone with the thoughts in my head, alone in my role this summer, and on an independent journey with God. It's frustrating sometimes when I meet up with everyone on weekends, but can't seem to relate to everyone what's going through my head, how excited I am, and how humbled I am as to what God is doing this summer.

But, every weekend when I have a couple short days break before we start up a new week, I try to reflect and sum up all the people, all the kids, and all the ways God revealed Himself in the past week, and I definitely do not feel lonely.

Our second week of camp took us up to Bolton, and we partnered with Bolton Alliance Church. It's a smaller church, and this was their first time doing an AIA soccer camp, so there naturally were a few nerves about how it would go. But those nerves were quickly gone when we walked in the pastor's home on the Sunday night. We immediately got this sense of excitement, peace, and confidence. There was a big group of adults, either teachers who had their summer off, or people who simply took a week's vacation form work in order to help out at the camp. They were organized, excited, and encouraging, to say the least.
We had 32 campers, which isn't alot, and they were some of the most competitive campers I've ever worked with. The World Cup tournament we run every day was intense, with kids complaining, arguing, cheering, and pumped up for it every day. We emphasize sportsmanship at our camp, and by the end of the week there was definitely HUGE progress in all of the kids. I have a ton of stories, but the end of the week was by far the highlight. The church put on an awards bbq on the Friday night, and invited all the kids and their families. There was about 90 people there, so it was busy. We coaches got a chance to go up and thank everyone, sing a couple high energy camp songs, and recognize each kid with a different award.
As everyone started leaving, the next hour or so was unbelievable. Here are some of the comments we received from parents:

- the mom of Michael, a high energy, super kid:
"I want to say thanks, Michael played a soccer game the other night with more confidence and excitement than he ever has." and "I'm going to call the pastor next week, and thank him and tell him how great this week was."

- another mother, who goes to a different church in Bolton, came to Matt and I, with tears in her eyes:
"I am so thankful that my boys got to spend a week with strong, Christian males...their dad isn't a Christian and this past week taught them so much."

- a father and mother of three campers, Ally, Julia, and AJ:
"You guys changed our kid's lives."

Those are just a few of the remarks. After an hour or so of goodbyes, some more emotional than others, we were down to just the volunteers who were so awesome all week. About 6 of them, and the 4 of us, got in a huddle, and they asked if they could pray for us. There were tears in their eyes, and one of the elders said we helped make history in their church.

History....

It's impossible to feel lonely when people surrround us like that. Don't get me wrong, I'm humbled to hear those words. To me, I am so blessed to even come alongside these churches this summer. I don't feel worthy at all to be treated the way we are, and to hear those words, they blew me away. It put things in perspective, how open these people are to how God is moving in their community, and how open they are to God using them as small parts in His mission.

I don't speak for myself, I know all 4 of us coaches were in awe that night. We couldn't deny the presence of God there, and we couldn't help but smile. Listening to Hillsongs and Casting Crowns on the way home, I looked over at Julie, and she had this look on her face. I said, "You're with God right now aren't you", with litle wink and big smile, and if you know Jules, she just giggles and is overflowing with this joy.

I'll write more about our third week, in Erin Village, later....

Thank you Jesus, for Bolton Alliance Church.

"You're on Holy Ground..."

Wow....

That's what comes to mind when I try to sum up our first week of camps this summer.

We went up to Camp Aush-Bik-Koong, ABK, and were there for almost a full week. I got home to St. Catharines just a few hours ago, and I'm trying to reflect and wrap my mind around everything that happened. I think it's fair to say I'm in awe. I'm in awe of how God moved in that camp. I'm in awe of how quickly God opened doors, not only for our AIA team, but for the entire staff and campers at ABK. I'm in awe of how powerfully He broke down kids' hearts, and how encouraging the body of His church is.

Angie, a staff member at ABK and a real gem of a girl, laid it out pretty simply for me, and reminded me that "being in awe is a good place to be." On Thursday night, I was trying to grasp what God was doing at camp, and after a great talk with her and another staff member, Sarah, I couldn't help but smile and be filled with encouragement and peace that God was there.

On Wednesday night, Eric, a 13 year old camper, came up to me and asked if we could talk. He said he heard that I had dealt with some of the same struggles that he was going through, and he wanted to know how I was dealing with it. I jumped at it, and after chapel that night, we went out to the beach and sat down. I asked him what was up, thinking he had heard my testimony that morning which I had given during our Team Time. He flat out said, "I'm pissed at God."

What came about that night was something I could never have expected or prepared for, and will never forget.

I asked him why he was mad at God, and he just started telling his story. He had lost 6 brothers and sisters, either to miscarriages or young infant deaths. He was an only child, and was mad at God for not letting his brothers and sister live.
In my head, I was trying to understand why he was coming to me with this. Then it hit me. In random conversation the night before with some of the staff, I mentioned that I was supposed to be a twin, and the other one had died early on in the pregnancy. I always tell that as a random, interesting fact about myself, and NEVER has it really hit home with me or made me think twice about it. But I guess Eric had approached another staff member, and they encouraged him to come talk to me.

I prayed silently for God to give me the words to speak, because I was so taken aback by what Eric had opened up about, and just gave it up to God to take control of this and use me for it. I won't lie, I was pretty scared. I asked Eric if he believed in Jesus, and what that meant to him. He told me that he committed his life to Christ 3 years ago at ABK, and knew that God loved us and had a purpose for each of our lives. Eric was mad at God, because he thought none of his brothers or sisters ever got the chance to live out their purpose. He went on to tell me he would never get the chance to enjoy that unconditional love and bond that a brother and sister could have. It just wasn't fair, he said.

He went on to tell me how he wanted to be the best, so that he could make up for his brothers and sister here on earth. He wanted to help people, and wanted them to be loved. But, he said, he kept getting frustrated because it was never good enough, and he was sick of it.

Still praying, very hard, I jumped in when he said he felt like he was climbing a mountain, but had stopped short from the top. I told him how excited I was that he had given his life up to Christ, but before he would be able to go much farther up 'that mountain', he was going to have to forgive God, and give up control in his life. I asked him if he believed his brothers and sister were in heaven, and he said yes. I told him I totally agreed, and asked him, "Don't you think they are in a better place?" He replied, "But they never got to live out their purpose, and it's not fair." I then threw out this suggestion to him, that maybe the real purpose of his brothers and sisters was simply to bring him to this point where he would have to give up control and get closer to God. I told him that the void he has from no brother or sister can be not only filled, but overflow with the love of Jesus. I tried to paint a picture of his brothers and sisters in heaven, worshipping God, and cheering him on right NOW, and that when he finished HIS purpose here, he would get to be up there with them, all 6 of them, and his parents. I told him how excited I was to see him there, in heaven, with his whole family. He started to really get encouraged.

I told him, though, that before anything happened, and he could reach the potential of God's call for his life, he had to forgive God for taking his brothers and sisters, and give up control. Eric knew it, and we talked for a long time about what that might be like. I told him how much he had encouraged me and humbled me that night, and I thanked him for that. Then we got on our knees and prayed. I asked him if he wanted me to pray, but he said no, he had to do it, it was his thing. So, with both of us crying, he asked God for forgiveness fro hoe he had treated God, and prayed that he knew God had a plan all along, and forgave Him, and asked God to use him for some big things.

Yes, Eric is 13....

I was shaking. When I finally said goodnight to him, and crawled into bed, I was shaking. When I woke up the next morning, I was still shaking. That night, I was still shaking. It wasn't a scared shaking, it was an 'awe' shaking. I was in so much awe of how good God is! Eric touched my life, and as I told some of the staff about it the next day, Sarah came up to me and said, "You're on holy ground, Darren."

It's so true! God was there, and Eric is only one of many stories where God touched hearts, and filled them. He reached kids, staff, and leaders. I could write a whole lot more about everything and everyone, but it's late, it's been a long week, and I need sleep!

Thank you Jesus, for Eric.

Thank you Jesus, for loving us more than any brother or sister ever could.

Thank you, Jesus, for forgiveness.

And We're Off...

So we just finished our training days, with the AIA soccer camp team this summer, and tomorrow morning we're off to Sudbury for our first camp.

It's exciting, I have no idea how big this summer I will be, but I honestly have this sense of peace about it. The nerves aren't as big as last year, but im as excited to work with so many fantastic people.

Our first camp is up at camp ABK, north of Sudbury, and we'll be there until next Saturday. It's your typical bible camp, we just come in and do a sports program for about 5 hours each day, it's a blast! The ABK staff is awesome, the kids are great, and who needs internet or tv when you've got a 130 foot water slide, a rope swing, a gorgeous lake, and a beach volleyball court. ;)

Anyways, pray for us, the team, as we drive up, and as we begin this journey. Pray for the kids, that they come with open hearts and God uses this ministry!

Thanks Jesus, for this opportunity...

Community...

The past week or so has been a great chance for me to think and recognize some of the people God's put in my life. From a whole day of flying, to working in a back warehouse with nothing to do BUT think, to hanging out with some amazing friends and family, I've really been convicted of how blessed I am, and how much I take that for granted.

One of the biggest ways I've been blessed is through people, from some of the smallest to the biggest ways. God shows Himself through encouragements, hugs, prayers, and just hang out times. I was really convicted when I started compiling a list of the people that came to mind who have blessed me in some way over even just the last year.

There's my family. I wouldn't be anywhere without them all. My parents, and the example they are, and the love they show us kids, and the dedication they have to us kids is something I'm so thankful for, and couldn't do enough to thank them for it. My brothers and sisters, wherever we all end up we always know we're just a call away, or a short email, or a funny story. I have so many role models in even just my family, and am so blessed to be a part of them.

There's the friends. Those who I see every day, or only see every few months. From the one on one conversations, to the group parties, to the beers on the back porch, to the random MSN conversation that turns into a huge encouragement and discipleship time. From the baseball games in the driveway, to the random Tim Horton's runs, to the quick facebook comment, to the hug in the hallway.

There's the youth, pastors, and kids from camps last summer. I couldn't have imagined how close I would get with them over the last year, developing friendships that are as close as family, sharing God-stories, lifting each other up in tough times, and looking forward to what this new summer is going to bring about, reconnecting on that mission field (soccer field :)) and showing Jesus to these kids.

There's the other people who have had a huge impact on my growth, spiritually and socially. From employers who are more friends then anything else, to track coaches who never stop demonstrating humility and giving me encouragement, to the professors who go way out of their way to see how I am doing, to the directors who take time to build into me.

I love sitting and listening to people, and encouraging them. I am really encouraged by that.

But the people who have taken time to build into me, encourage me, and want to know more than just how my day is going,

Thanks.

If we all took time to really acknowledge how many people God has used to impact us, it would be an incredible realization of an endless community.

Thank you, Jesus.

How I See God...

Last night, I had a fantastic conversation with a friend, who felt like she was struggling. I praise God that we could talk and share, and as much as I hope that she was encouraged by it, I feel like I was very blessed by the whole thing. In a nutshell, she felt like she was 'falling away' from God, feeling really disconnected and discouraged because of her lack of prayer and devotions. This isn't the point of the post, but it sets up a good context.

More than once in the last months, I've struggled with the same thing. I think everyone does. Or, maybe more pointedly, I think every faithful Christian does. I'm learning that these 'daily devotions' are often an obstacle and hindrance in an intimate relationship with God. That's a strong statement, sure, and by NO MEANS am I saying don't read the Bible and pray. I guess I just feel like it's gotten to the point where our ideal relationship with God consists of a daily reading and prayer time, and thats about it.

I don't think I'm a very wise person, and I don't have a whole lot of solutions. But talking to my friend last night, I tried to encourage her to look for God in some other areas of life. Of course she should strive to study the Bible, and live out of it. But I think we all need a bigger picture of God. We read and have the head knowledge that God is everywhere, but do we actually look for it?

Renee and I were talking a few weeks ago, and she told me how she sees God in nature and creation. It's pretty easy and convenient out here in BC, with the beauty around us, but she talked of how she can sit in nature and just be in awe.

I think I see God in people. I get so encouraged through other people's faith. I love hearing stories. I wish I could just be a fly on the wall and see how God lives in each and every one of His people. Everyone has a unique story, personality, character, and motivation. I see God in that. I see God in friendships. I see God in family (How could I not when these are two of my nieces praying before lunch)


OK, maybe that was a cheesy attempt to brag about them ;)

I see God in someone smiling. I see God in a hug. I see God in people going out for coffee. I see God in being able to call a friend any time of day or night. I try to see God in all the little things of life I usualy take for granted way too quickly.

Last night, I also told my friend how I try to see God in the struggles of people. I try to see God in a believer who is struggling, because they feel like they need to be doing more. When I told her I see God in her thinking that she is 'falling away', I think it was a huge encouragement. I would be worried if she was content with falling away! The fact she felt the need to talk and look for help tells me that God is working and the Spirit is alive!

Thanks for that, Jesus.

"You're Worse Than You Think You Are..."

These words hit home last night...

One part of the soccer project that is going on here at TWU is called Monday Night Fellowship. On a Monday night, I get to tag along with the projectiles and head out to someone's house for supper and a time of fellowship...(haha, i guess the name kinda explains itself)

After a good meal, we all sat down in the living room with Shayla, and I'm sure I'm not doing justice the spelling of her name. She worked under CCC for 8 or 9 years, in the women in leadership ministry, and was very relational. From the start, it was obvious she was there to share and invest in us, and everything was comfortable.

She spoke on intimacy with God, and what that really means. It is so much more than a church service on a Sunday morning, and daily devotions. We all do those things, or at least try to do those things, and very quickly use them to justify our established personal relationship with God. Really, though, we're fooling ourselves. Do we really understand what it means to be intimate with God???

I could spend alot of time on illustrating everything that was said, but I want to focus on that phrase she used, "You're worse than you even think you are..."

I really believe that one of the biggest hindrances in an intimate relationship with God is how we approach our sin, in a variety of ways:
1) we dont recognize the extent of our sin
2) we minimize the effect and consequence of our sin, either by ignorance and/or arrogance
3) we tell ourselves that sufficient repentance involves a small prayer and "please for give all my sins, amen"
After raising this point, Shayla kinda looked at us all, and said "Think about all the sins you can consciously recognize, and how bad you really are. Well guess what, you're even worse"

Bam.

Just like that, I was humbled. But it's true. I cant begin to comprehend how lost I really am, and I really need to work on acknowledging that fact, and realize that a simple prayer isn't the whole solution. God demands and deserves SO much more! In my life, I struggle with getting down on myself, especially when I let other people down. It sucks, and it hits me extra hard. But hearing this, and relating it to how frustrated I get when I let others down, helped me realize how serious I need to take this! If I get so upset with just peers, should I not be that much more upset when I let God down?

Thankfully, the talk didn't end there. She went on to say, "For every one time you look at your sin, look at the good news of the Gospel 20 times". It's a fragile balance, as we can easily get caught up in either getting depressed about how bad we are, or go the other way and just be the happy-go-lucky-because-Im-already-forgiven Christian. We need to surround ourselves with a community of accountability, to keep us from going too far either way.

Isn't it beautiful how despite the our human limits, Jesus is still that much bigger???

Thank you Jesus

The 'SPECIAL'

If you are taking the time to read this, I appreciate it... I don't blame you if you don't, it's brutally long, haha....but I encourage you to just read, and try to relate the last few paragraphs to your own life....

I may have just completed one of the most unique journeys that I wish everyone had the opportunity to be a part of. I've been out here in BC for over a month now, working with Athletes in Action, and last week I spent a few days with some other people here for the soccer project. We went through a series of lectures called 'Integrating Faith and Sport', and worked out some practical problems and solutions on the field thru training. The whole week culminated in the SPECIAL...an AIA trademark.

'S-P-E-C-I-A-L' stands for Spiritual Principles, Exhaustion, Confidence In the Almighty Lord. In a few short words, it is a 24 hour sport event, designed to kinda push the participants to their emotional, spiritual, and physical limits. The staff who run it relate the experience to the last 24 hours of Christ's life, and the suffering He went through. Obviously we will NEVER be able to compare our experiences to the anguish He went through, but as Romans 12:1 states, we need to offer our bodies as a living sacrifice, and this is "our spiritual act of worship". As I look back on that verse, and the 24 hours we went through, I can think of more than a few times when my team and I had little choice but to stop and pray, asking God for strength, because there is no way we could do it on our own.

Beginning Sunday afternoon, after a 90 minute drive out to Hope, BC, we parked our cars and got ready for this experience. There were 5 or 6 staff that ran the event, and 8 of us who participated. We were split into two teams of four, and were to compete against each other throughout the series of events. We thought we had a small idea of what this journey would be about, but were still pretty anxious to see what was in store. Each event was worth certain points that would be awarded to the winning team.

The team: (left to right) Matt, Beth, Kayla, me:



We began with a mile run, which consisted of pretty much one big hill, up and down. Whenever we were running, our whole team had to hold on to an 8-ish foot rope, and carry our team soccer ball with us. We would be deducted points if anyone let goof the rope without specific permission granted from the staff. Naturally, both teams started out at a semi-sprint, with no concept of pacing ourselves, but the big hill slowed us up pretty quickly. My team passed the other team about half way up the hill, and we held them off at the finish, to claim the first event.

We ended up at a small beach and lake, with two small grids laid out, one for each team. We would now go thru a swim/running relay. One at a time, we would run to the lake, swim out to a buoy, turn around, swim back, and run a small route back to our team. Each of us did it three times, swimming in the cold lake, and my team pulled out the victory. After a 3 minute break, we went at it again, this time just two laps each person, and again, our team won.

The swim relay:


The next step was a juggling competition. In our grids, we were told to get ten consecutive juggles as a team, with each team member touching the ball. Every time the ball hit the ground before ten, two team members had to swim/run the lap before we could try again. It sounds pretty simple, but everything is more difficult when you're breathing hard and cold from the swim, and the added element of competition. My team soon realized that one of our glaring weaknesses was juggling, and ended up doing a whole lot more swimming then juggling, and the other team easily won that event.

We were then instructed to make our way back to the cars. It was a race, but we would be allowed to walk it if we wanted. Our captain made the wise decision to sacrifice that one event and recover while we walked back, rather than killing ourselves going back up and down that hill.

Once we were back at the cars, we piled in and drove to a nearby school's soccer field, where we would spend the next 4 hours or so. The first event was a team running event, where we had 90 seconds to run a full lap of the soccer field. We had to hold on to the rope, and make that 90 second mark every lap. Three of our team would run, while the fourth had to shoot in a smaller than normal goal, from four different spots. Each shot was at about 10, 20, 30, and 40 yards respectively, and after every shot you had to get ur ball, bring it back to the next spot, and keep going. If you missed, then you had to keep going from that spot until you made it. Once you completed the cycle, you had to run and catch ur team wherever they were at that point, grab the rope, and the next person would go. For the first part, we ran around the field until every team member had finished the shooting cycle. This took probably about ten minutes. The next part involved the same deal, except we didnt stop after one rotation of our team, we just kept going. Overall, it probably ended up to 45 minutes or more of trying to keep that 90 second pace around the field. For a few laps they gave us a 15 second grace, but that didn't last long, and every time we missed the 90 second mark we lost points. I'm not sure who won this event, (they didn't always tell us who won or not, they just kept the score to themselves) but naturally, we were pretty exhausted.

The next event, after a 5 minute break, was a shooting drill, which involved passing to a team member in a grid about 15-20 yards from the net. That team member laid it off, and we shot on a keeper from the other team. Every goal was a point. However, anytime there was a bad pass or a shot missed the net, our whole team had to go for about a 50 yard run to a set of cones, and back again. We had 10 minutes to score as many as we could. Our team shot first, and did well. Except for yours truly, who is not a shooter and definitely was responsible for about half of the team's runs, everyone scored a few goals. We switched, and I could contribute a bit more to my team, being a keeper....Each team had two ten minute blocks to shoot, and our team won 13-2.

The next event was a 1v1 ladder competition, where each of us faced off against the other team in a small field. The winner moved up to the 'higher' field, the loser moved down. Again, like the shooting, my gifts are definitely not in the 1v1 competition, so I wasn't too much help to my team, but this was a close battle, and I'm not sure who won.

I should take a minute to mention another responsibility we had. Before the special started, we were all given 5 bible verses to memorize: Romans 12:1, 2 Corinthians 5:17, Ephesians 5:18, Philippians 3:14, and Matthew 28:19. There weren't terribly long verses, and a couple were pretty common verses. During a random competition, a staff member would stop one of us and ask us to recite one of those verses. If we couldn't come up with it right away and get it pretty close to bang-on, we would lose a point, or a goal we would just score would be negated. This caused some serious obstacles for some of us at different times, because all the verses get confused and jumbled when we're really tired.

After the 1v1, we moved into an ultimate frisbee tournament, 3 15-minute games of 4 on 4 ultimate frisbee on a fairly big field. Our team had a bit more experience in the ultimate frisbee area, and won each of the three games. We then had a half hour break for supper, altho very few of us had any sort of appetite due to how tired we were, and we were just 6 hours in!

During the break we drove out to Camp Squeah, where the majority of the remaining events took place. We dropped our stuff off at our cabins, and met on the field. The next event combined a best of 7 tug of war competition with various other strength events. Our team was feeling quite confident about this whole thing, having the 2 guys vs their lone guy being the difference. However, we were really starting to feel the exhaustion, so we got together as a team in a tight huddle, and prayed. We prayed for strength, humility, energy, and for a renewed focus as to why we were out there. As much as we all love winning, we wanted to focus on this whole ordeal being a state of worship.

The first tug of war took a bit more than we expected, as the other team put up a good fight, but we pulled it out, and moved into the first strength test. The point was for each team to hold a pushup-like position for as long as they could, one member at a time, and when someone couldn't do it anymore, the next person would start, and so on. I'll be honest, I was disappointed with how long I didn't last, I was hoping to do better, but our team stuck it out, thanks to a gutsy performance by Matt.

Melinda doing the first strength test:


Right after this was done, we moved into the next tug of war, which went much quicker for us. The next strength challenge was holding ourselves up on one side, with one arm. Our knees and hips could not touch the ground. We started with the left side, and our team pulled it out. After the third tug of war went quite quickly again, we did the right side. These tests were quite difficult, but we won the right side as well. We finished up the tug of war in 4 straight, but the last strength test would keep us from the 8 for 8 sweep. We did the wall-sit test, and Cole, the captain of the other team, wowed us all and held on to give their team those points.

The next event was a 12-minute team sit-up competition. Only one member at a time could be doing the sit-ups, so as soon as they were tires, the next member went. We would get a point for every 25 sit-ups we did. We started out with everyone doing a full set of 25, and did that for quite a while, but the last few minutes were real tough and we ended up doing no more than 10 per person. Our team stuck it out, and it was a close match, but we won by no more than 50 sit-ups. That was immediately followed by a 12-minute side step test. We had a log on the ground, and we had to hop over it, back and forth, as many times we could. Just like the sit-ups, one team member went till they were too tired, then the next stepped in, and we just kept that cycle going. We again got a point for every 25 we did, and it was another close match, but our team stuck it out and won.

We then moved into a team juggling competition. Each team member had to start with the ball on the ground and get one shot at juggling. Every team member's total would be added together, and it was a straight up match against the other team. Like I said before, our team was not so good at juggling, and the other team wiped the floor with us! Juggling is a skill in itself, but the added exhaustion of the previous 8 hours and the mental state we were all in added to the difficulties.

I should mention that we didn't have much sunshine throughout the day. By this time it was getting dark anyways, and we hadn't had any downpours or anything, but there was enough drizzle and light rain to make everything quite wet and add to the mental battles we were fighting.

Next we moved into the gym at the camp. We started with basketball, and played 3 15-minute games of 3 on 3. The fourth member of the team would be on the sidelines doing stairs, with a staff member counting how many they did, and we would get points for every 25 we did. Just like the sit-ups and side steps, we would cycle thru each member of the team every minute or so. If we weren't playing basketball, we were doing the stairs, and vice versa. After basketball we did floor hockey, 3 15-minute games, and this time the fourth member was doing pushups, with a point for every 25 we did. The stairs and pushups were very tiring, and they never told us who won those, but it was close. As for the basketball and floor hockey...well...our team of 4 had 2 of the three guys, who also were the tallest of the whole group, as well as 3 of 4 canadians. I had no idea how little floor hockey some of the americans had actually played before, but there was little competition in both sports, and we won both handily.

The AIA staff leading us in Scripture:


The next event was absolutely brutal. The staff told us to come to a cabin, wearing normal clothes, and be ready to just be low key for a while. It was now 11:30, and we were pretty wiped, so naturally we were kinda looking forward to this. Well, we were unpleasantly surprised. We walked in to a puzzle on the floor, one for each team, and a very small area with boundaries marked with tape. We were not allowed to talk or communicate in any way with our team. We were not allowed to lay down, rest on our hands, or do anything except stand, squat, or sit cross-legged, and never have any body part rest against the beds, walls, or be outside the taped boundaries. Anytime we broke one of those rules, we would be deducted points. The worst part of it all, they cranked the thermostat to as high as it could go, about 35-40 degrees celsius. We had the 8 of us plus three staff members in a small cabin, with no windows or doors allowed to be open.
So away we went, working at the puzzle. They told us that this event was worth 200 points, and the other team was still within that margin, so it was very important. The first half hour wasn't so bad, but very soon the heat caught up with us, plus the humidity of 11 people sweating very heavily. On top of that, the staff members were trying to get in our heads, by talking, making noises, being very anal and cruel about point deductions, etc. They got into all of our heads, and it soon turned into a huge mental battle.
At 2 am, after 2.5 hours, we were given the option of letting one team member go to bed for the price of 50 points, but no one took them up on it, because of how many points were at stake.

It's amazing what people, especially athletes, will endure and put themselves thru to not be the one to give in first.

We knew that at 3 am, we would be given the opportunity to leave and go to bed, and if both teams stopped, the team that was farther along on their puzzle would win. However, if one team so decided, they could keep going until they finished the puzzle and win the points. The last hour was torture, and I won't lie, I was pretty useless when it came to the puzzle. I get pretty sore pretty quickly if I'm in one spot for too long, and I also tend to sweat alot, so I was in rough shape. The two girls on my team were champions when it came to the puzzle, so I made myself useful by taking the puzzle box, ripping it in half, and fanning them as they worked. It was a pretty funny sight, I'm sure, but they appreciated it a ton, and I was more than happy to not be squatting and working on that puzzle. At the end of it, I honestly had a puddle underneath me from the dripping sweat. At 3 am, both teams were so wiped that we both stopped, and my team won the points because we were farther along on the puzzle.

The haze in the picture isn't from a bad camera...it was that hot and humid in that room:


Finally, we got to sleep!!!

We all went to bed, but were told that we MUST meet outside at 5:30 am. Now, when I look back, that was a brutally short period of sleep, but at the time, I would have been satisfied with any sort of sleep!

At 5:30, we all met outside, had a quick breakfast, and got right back at it. Our team got together, prayed, and talked about where we were at. It was quite clear that we were way ahead as far a the competition, so we talked about how we should use that to our advantage and forget that whole element. We were at the point now where we could focus on much bigger things, and prayed that God would carry us through the last 6 hours, help us focus, and bless our efforts.

The first thing we did was another one of those 12-minute events, except this time was pushups. Immediately after that, we did another 12-minute test, except with 'burpies', a combo of pushups and jumping up to full extension. These are hard enough as it is, but at 5:45 am with little sleep and very sore muscles, the effort required was compounded. They didn't tell us who won, but both teams were very quickly back at the exhausted state.

We then piled into the cars and drove for about 20 minutes, to a provincial park. The next event was a relay race. We would each run, one team member at a time, down a trail, dribbling the soccer ball, racing against the other team. At three different points, we were stopped by a staff member and asked a Bible verse, and required to do one of three different tasks, either 50 sole taps, 20 hops over the ball, or 30 juggles. After the third staff member, we would turn around and run back to our team. The run was about 20 minutes per person, so it was a decent length. The trail was gorgeous, and we saw waterfalls, rivers, and even ran thru 3 different tunnels carved into the side of the mountain! It was tricky, as the middle of the tunnel was quite dark, to dribble the ball, but it was breathtaking to be in the middle of God's creation like that. I really wish I could have spent more time there and enjoyed the nature, but of course, other things needed to be done. When we weren't running, we would have to be doing star-jumps, kind of like a jumping jack, and we would get points for every 50 that we did. Because we were so tired, both teams were content to take breaks between sets, and the staff allowed it, but we still did almost 2000 star jumps as a team during the whole relay.

After we drove back, it was time for our second last major event. There were 4 stages to this event, and the teams started at different points. My team started with the car-push. We basically gave the car a quick push, it rolled in neutral down a gradual hill, and then the driver turned it around with the momentum it gained. When we caught up to the turned around car, we had to push it back up! This was extremely difficult, and initially I didn't;t think we would get very far. However, our team was quite vocal in encouragement, even singing worship songs together, and at a very slow pace, pushed it all the way back up!! Im still incredibly surprised we managed to, but we did! We then moved to the second stage...
The whole camp is surrounded by mountains, and the staff staggered the stages of this course to be at the bottom, then up the mountain, then at the bottom again, then up the mountain again. We had to run/jog/walk (it was up to us, but we were judged based on our overall time for all 4 stages) The trail was varied in difficulty, but the majority was quite sharply uphill, and we had to all hold the rope as we climbed. The second stage took about 20 minutes to reach, and it was a juggling event. Our team got together, prayed for strength and energy, and for a refocusing again on why we were at this point. We figured out a pan and actually were quite surprised how quickly we accomplished the task! We then climbed back down to the camp base, and met at the playground for the third event. This event was just like we were kids again, having to climb/balance/swing/jump around the whole playground without touching the gravel underneath. It was pretty fun, but Beth and Kayla got some nasty bruises as they didn't make a couple of the jumps initially. It wasn't fun watching that part, but that was the only real difficulty we had. The fourth and final part was back up the trails, then down a long series of very steep steps, and at the site of a gorgeous river/mountainside. We were told that 8 cups were hidden in the bush within a certain grid, and we had 5 minutes to find them. We managed to find all 8, then met back at the original spot. We then had to make our way to the river, doing deep knee lunges, fill up our cups, then come back without spilling any water while still doing the deep knee lunges, and fill up a bucket with water. 2 team member could go at a time, but since we had all 8 cups, it went quite easily! Before we climbed our way back up the steps, then back down to camp, we got together again for another prayer time, totally disregarding the race-element, and reflected on the beauty of the creation around us, thanked God for making Himself so evident, and for continued strength and energy.

Doing the deep lunges:


The team praying:


We made it back to camp before the other team, and had about 20 minutes before our last final event.

Before most of the events, the staff would gather us around, read some Scripture, and say a few words. Throughout the competition, we were not allowed to communicate with them except through our captain. As we gathered for this last event, they all came around us, and read the story of Christ's crucifixion. They told us we were doing our own version of Golgotha, paling in comparison, of course, but we would have absolutely no choice but to give this up to God. We started up the mountain, both teams holding on to the rope as a team. One staff member led the way, at a brisk walk. The rest of the staff followed up behind. What ensued was by far the most exhausting thing I have ever done in my life. We were not allowed to communicate to our team, so no encouragement at all. The staff yelled loudly for us to keep up, as we naturally were exhausted already, and this climb and pace would have tired out anyone at any time. The staff kept pushing, though, and we had no choice but to keep going. It was a narrow trail, with a big drop off on the one side. A couple girls were crying, everyone was absolutely drained. My right quad muscle started to seize about 5 minutes into the climb, and everyone could tell you of the muscles that were cramping up on them. But the climb kept going, the pain kept growing...it was unreal. About 500 meters from the summit, we stopped. A couple of the staff told us to sit down, and read some more bible passages. They talked of how much pain we were in, and what was probably going through our heads. They said we could easily quit, turn around, and climb back down. But they went on to paint this picture of what Christ endured over the last hours of His life. His friends denied Him, He was mocked, beaten, flogged, and bled freely. Everyone turned on Him, and sure, He could have stood up, turned around, and not kept going. Instead, He just kept going, not saying a word.
It's a powerful story in itself, without a doubt. But, hearing it laid out so passionately at the top of the hardest physical/mental battle of our lives so far, was incredibly convicting. If He just kept going, and carried out a task that none of us could even dream about enduring, and God calls us in Romans 12:1 to a spiritual act of worship...why should we not push on to the last 500 meters??
Aaron, the staff leader of the special, encouraged us to reflect on ourselves, what was going through our heads, what was stopping us from wholly giving ourselves up, and truly worshipping Him. What has God called us to, and what does He call us? what name has He given us, in our hearts...son, daughter, child, lamb...?? He called us up, one by one, asked us what name God was putting on our hearts, and wrote it on our arms. I said "Beloved Child"....the last few years of my life have been up and down, and many times I've struggled with my identity, as my own person, and what it means to be a child of God. But at this point, hearing those word spoken, it seemed SO simple. I was a child...His child...and He loved me deeper than I could ever understand. Why should I rely on my own strength, not just in climbing that mountain, but in every day life....why do I get frustrated when I can't complete something, or it just so happens to be out of my control??? "Child" was the name that came to my mind immediately, and the word "Beloved" just spoke to me, it has this unconditional, 'despite my weaknesses' feel to it. Having Aaron write those words on my arm, then walk the last 500 meters on my own to the summit was quite powerful. I started to cry...not because I was absolutely exhausted, altho that might have had something to do with it, but more because I was humbled and in awe of how big and powerful the love of God is, and how real the sacrifice of Jesus is for me....not only 'all Christians' or 'all people', but me...Darren...and what that meant, and how freeing that is.
When we reached the summit, the view was unbelievable. Surrounded by mountains, the 8 of us all sat down and were silent. I think it's fair to say that catching our breath wasn't our primary focus. Rather, it was the realization and reminder of His love and sacrifice.

Reflecting:


After some more Scripture and prayer from the staff, we stood up and began our last event. It was a type of relay, but the last thing on our minds was competition. Each team would send a member, one at a time, down the summit to where we initially stopped. We would then turn around, and run back up...not only leaving absolutely everything physically on that trail, but giving everything that holds us back, and everything we struggle with, in His hands.
I went first for my team, still with tears in my eyes, and ran down. I carried down with me the piece of wood that we had carried up with us. The staff did a turnaround of the last 23 hours, and were loud and vocal in encouragement, spread out on the trail and reading Bible verses as I ran by. When I reached the turn around point, I stopped, looked up, and started running. I was past the point of exhaustion, but every time I thought of walking, I found the energy to keep going. I started singing a song out loud, one that hadn't entered my mind ever in the last month, or I hadn't heard in quite a while.

My Jesus, I love Thee, I know Thou art mine;
For Thee all the follies of sin I resign.
My gracious Redeemer, my Savior art Thou;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, tis now.

I love Thee because Thou has first loved me,
And purchased my pardon on CalvaryÂ’s tree.
I love Thee for wearing the thorns on Thy brow;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

I'’ll love Thee in life, I will love Thee in death,
And praise Thee as long as Thou lendest me breath;
And say when the death dew lies cold on my brow,
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

In mansions of glory and endless delight,
IÂ’ll ever adore Thee in heaven so bright;
IÂ’ll sing with the glittering crown on my brow;
If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ’tis now.

This song is one I learned growing up, had heard and sung it many times in church, and always was a favourite. But never before had these word meant so much to me...
As I ran up the summit, there was one last stretch of about 50 meters that was extremely steep, but in plain view of everyone at the top, encouraging me on. The sun was out, it was beautiful. We had been told to put the board across our shoulders at that last stretch, just as a bit of symbolism for us. Obviously not to even try to be in Jesus' place...but it was powerful....



At the top, I passed on the board, and collapsed. I laid there, face down on the ground, absolutely out of breath, but feeling as close and connected and protected and carried by God then I ever have before. Praise God....

One by one, every single person of both teams made their way up, some crying, some demonstrating out loud the exhaustion, but every single person was smiling about 1 minute after they reached the top...

The teams: (left to right) Cole, Matt, Kayla, Beth, Melinda, Darren, Megan, Andy



Thank you Jesus

Calmer of the Storm....

Currently, I'm out in Langley, BC, staying at Trinity Western. I came out here about a month ago, and am halfway through an internship, not only helping out where I can, doing those jobs that no one else wants to do, but just getting my feet wet in sport ministry and exploring this door that God has opened up for me. It's been a great experience so far, and in just the last 4 weeks, I've already heard and seen first hand stories of God working though the ministry, met, hung out with, and learned from some amazing people, and gotten out into the community.

The last few years have been quite the roller coaster for me. A good friend described it like this, "seasons of hurt and pain, and seasons of outright joy". I think it's a fair assessment. That's not to say that there's been months of only rough times, followed by months of only joy, but I do know that this ride has demonstrated a whole lot to me.

There are definitely times when I can't quite understand why God lays things out like He does, why we struggle, and why He forces us to be so vulnerable. It's probably just pride that stops me from opening up to someone, admitting that I'm struggling. But bigger than that, why do I find it so hard to even talk to God about it? Have we come so far that we fight so hard for control, and put ourselves in a battle that we shouldn't even want to win???

To this day, I go through periods of reflection and discouragement. One of my biggest struggles is with my ability to not let things affect me. I'm real good at putting on a great face, smiling on the outside when I don't want to on the inside, and just switching gears in my head so that I move on to the next thing in line, and forget what I was just really thinking about. This is a great tool some days, when the little things happen and I could easily get frustrated, but rather I just don't let them get to me and I move on. The problem is, though, that I have gotten so good at that, I've really gotten into the mindset of not even dealing with the big things.

In those tough times, I find great peace in laying in bed, headphones on, listening to various worship songs, such as "Calmer of the Storm" by Downhere, "And Now My Lifesong Sings" by Casting Crowns, and "When the Tears Fall", by Tim Hughes. I lay there and just get frustrated with myself, knowing I'm struggling, and again, it's that pride. I don't like struggling, and much less letting other people know I'm struggling, and that's why I am very quick to put on that good face. There's those two or three people that actually know what's going on in my life, otherwise I put on a great face, and I'm pretty sure that good disguise works.

So...

To this day I struggle with everything, trying to sort everything out....where God is leading me, what He requires of me at this point in my life, who I need to be more open with, and what should stay between me and God. But I do need to remember, this life is always going to be one of struggles, but those struggles are not the end of me. Rather, Jesus has already won the war, loves us, and is beside me the whole way.

That, in the words of a friend/champion out here in BC, can be rightfuly dubbed - 'Sweet Action'

Thank you, Jesus

Sometimes I Surprise Myself...

So here I am, after months or years even of staying out of the blog world, creating my own site. I've just gotten into Myspace, so I figured I might as well not stop there, let's get right into the whole internet thing.

If you know me, you know I'm not into philosophy, big words, or all that stuff. Some may even go as far as to say I'm a jock, which may be true, haha, but I like to think I've got more going for me than just sport. I don't intend to bring out and discuss incredibly deep and profound subjects at all. This is much for me as anything else, to give me an opportunity to lay out what's going thru my head, and sort things out. And who knows, maybe some things will strike a chord with someone else, and if so, awesome.

I don't know how regularly I'll post, but I do know that more than ever in my life are things flying through my heart and mind, and I have the time now to sit down and write things out.